A MAJOR SWASS OUTBREAK IS FORECAST FOR TODAY/TONIGHT
The Hydrometeorological Prediction Center, in conjunction with its partners at the National Weather Service and the National Strategic TP Reserve, have issued a HIGH RISK for swamp ass this afternoon and evening. This is a Particularly Dangerous Situation. Soaring temperatures and humidity, combined with ongoing toilet paper shortages, will result in dangerous conditions from the gluteus medius to the maximus as well as a high likelihood of life threatening acid rain and flooding of the perinial gorge and taint plain. Damaging heat bursts may originate from the high risk area as well. The NSTPR has petitioned the White House to release precious reserves, but no action is forthcoming at this juncture. Spotter activation is requested in the hatched region.